We just can’t have it all…

        My title explains so much of how I do feel this day and at this very moment. "We just can't have it all"..Just for the past few days maybe 2 weeks ago, I was rejoicing and very proud to say to the whole world that goodness, love revives me again. And now here I am, sentimenting with this young vulnerable mind and heart of mine again, regretting that childish moment of being unreasonable. I may just have over reacted to the situation that I can't help myself of hating that 'act' he has done. Now, I'm suffering with this stupid thoughts that he might mastered this situation and eventually realized that he would be happier living a life without me. Well, what had happened? 

Here it is… ————————————————— 

        It was early in the afternoon when our classes ended because my teacher was not around. Now, he's busy with this club recruitment thing and asked me and my friend if we could stay there and help him facilitate that activity. Of course, I said Yes since we won't be doing anything so it would be better to help. SO we stayed there for a couple of hours. Now, he asked permission to just return some borrowed things to the office and promised to be back right away. So I told him, please do it fast coz I wanna go home already and I wanna eat because I'm very hungry. And then he answered me that he would be back asap and promised that it won't take him long. So we waited. Then, hours have passed. Until my friend left me alone because she got other things to do rather than staying there with me. I was left alone in the recruitment booth for 2 to 3 hours, thanks that one of my friend passed by and I called her attention and asked if she could stay while I'm waiting for him to come back. Now my stomach is very much growling with hunger, and clouds became darker and darker until the rain pours so hardly. It was already 6:00pm when he was back. I knew he was aware that I'm already mad at him and very much disappointed of what he has done, coz in the very first place it shouldn't be us, I just can't leave the place unattended because of some documents that might be lost. And after all, he said "ayaw na kasuko beh.." Well, that's all. He didn't even bother to exert a little more effort to show that he's truly sorry. Well, as I always told myself I should understand because he's damn so busy for my kaOAhan..And we departed that night having that hatred in me and im pretty sure in him as well. So tomorrow comes when I have no choice but to see his face in my first class for that morning. Well, nothing happened. I saw him, he sees me and that's it. Then, here again in this laboratory schedule for that same subject. This time, he approached me asking for questions, so I answered him. And he was trying to throw a joke, I think it was his way of saying sorry and let's be friends again, but this stupid heart and mind couldn't just laughed at that joke and I realized I acted rude that way. And he uttered "Sige, pirmintiha nah…" Then after that, no more interactions, NOTHING, and NOTHING…

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    Well, this is already the third day after that but there's no progress. We remained in this world of cold war. Acting as if we don't know each other. Yes, it's painful. I may have over reacted to that situation because of so many factors as well. And now, it's starting to bring me heartaches. My heart seems to stop beating and wishes that in the morning, I'd rather won't wake up. Honestly, my pride brings me confusion of what I'm supposed to do with regards to this situation. I admit that it really affects me and I just can't stop my mind of thinking of how should I react now. I knew, it's only my pride that stops me to confront him and settle things between us but this shit pride, gosh, I can't overcome it at this very moment I'm writing this blog. I just hope that I would still wake up in the other morning, conquered this pride and work things out for this very special person of my life. I often remember the days when I was so happy and hoping that that feeling won't stop. But there's really nothing constant in this world but just change. And truly, we can't have everything in our hands. I can't just stick to be happy nor I wanted to stay in this mess but I just hope one day, I'll be blogging to the whole world rejoicing that love revives me again.